It may feel unfair but it's all just part of the mystery

One, two, three...

Sweet music.
Step step step, point to front.
Curve to the right 3x
One big curve to the left.
Snap shoulders 5x

Chage music. UPBEAT.
Jump. Airsplit.
3 turns
Fierce pose
Tumbling 3x

After this dance performance, all my eyes could render me is an environment of charcoal black. I had to close my eyes.

As I reopen them, I see a blur. That familiar blur they show on TV. Not that blur which covers exposed private parts though as I am well covered right now. I can feel the cloth wrapped around me but I had to do something more important than check my garb. I looked around after regaining my clear eyesight. I saw a familiar but unfamiliar view. I see them a lot in movies but this is the first time I'm seeing them in reality. I see a ceiling of white with faces surrounding me. They wore this beautiful forced smile with matching teary eyes. They said they're glad that I'm okay. I thought, but I always was.

Suddenly it dawned on me, this feeling so unusual. I felt anaesthesia for a second or two before I felt my human body again. They are right, I wasn't okay.

There were seemingly eternal knocks on the door and that familiar click-the sound of photographs taken. Just like how you would react I suppose, I wanted to get up from my bedsore. But I can't. I just can't. I checked my body out and all I see is a white hospital uniform. For patients that is. For patiends that are ill. I can see the braces on my knees. My heart felt softer than ever. I felt all the rejections everyone has given me in the past, all together, right this moment. I didn't know what to think.

I'm fine I guess. I dared not to ask questions encompassing the words permanent, possible, back to normal, when, and dance. To be honest, I didn't feel like talking but I did not desire to be sad and sorrowful too. A piece of my heart tells me I missed them though I have the slightest clue of how long I have been away--away from the normal and healthy me.

I never knew how useful my hands were. I could hold my nieces' jolly white faces, the hands of my Dad and Mom, the shoulder of my older sister, and the knuckles (when you fist bump) of my sister's husband. Know that I am in denial of my condition, I'm loving everything that I can, all good things I can see, and ooh this red wonderful fresh apples I can hold. Yummy! as I bite a piece and pieces of it.

I was living a 5-hour optmistic life when the doctor came in. My heart felt nervous as if it was expecting the saddest news.

I was in denial then chose to be optimistic but reality still has to partake. I discovered, not that it was one great important discovery... The 7,000th cartwheel in my life took the life out of my legs. Paralysis is a word I only read before. Never did I know that it would become my future. I listened so eagerly, tried to smile because alas I now understand what has been happening, optimistic about what'll happen next but the small pinching sensation slowly grows in my heart. My optimism overcame it, thankfully.

It's been 3 months and I instantly befriended my magical kinetic chair and you may want to picture quite large wheels on the sides. I can no longer dance but it was okay. Maybe I have to trudge a different but more beautiful path. It has to be that, doesn't it?

2 more months and I am already so used to this. There were nights when my room felt so large and I felt so distant from the floor but tomorrow was still exciting.

My spirit was courageous enought to check the outside world out. I would frequent this coffee shop and feel special  because of my condition. The staff were extra nice to me and people smiled at me and I could feel their good hearts communicate with mine, assuring me that this is okay.

It is, okay. I grew muscles due to my all-time navigation of this ship I ride on land. I have not been practicing dance moves out doors so I'm colored radiant now instead of the usual haggard look. I can also wear clothes that don't get sweaty a lot or for at least, they no longer smell sweaty my Mom would say, and they look well ironed all the time. I now have more time for those things I had none before. In connection to that, I have more time to think about someone. This is the part of the  story when you can imagine me blushing. As I look into the mirror, I see red domes beside my nose. Whenever I imagine her face, I get this "aww" feeling from my heart. Her name is the most melodious word. Believe me and hear for your self, Cambree (Keymbree). I could make a song out of it. It could be the only lyric and I feel like it would still sound fantastic.

I would smile at her and she would shyly look away. There are lots I have noticed about her. We became friends and I was so happy. Then that scary moment came. My legs impeded me from having her. She was so high up there, so distant. I just couldn't follower. I did good in convinvcing myself that I'm fine, I as good but situations like this remind me of the  very reason why I am unfortunate.

The same has been happening 3 times now. I began thinking that love isn't for me. I am just to get good on this new thing I'm doing, learn to live independently, support my family, and just carry on with life. Alone.

There is a small voice from my heart though that I continually disregard. I neglect it until the day I can rejoice because it is gone. It has been shouting but now it can only whisper that someone out there may accept who I am wholly. I could dream of this or the almost impossibility that I can regain my ability to walk.

I'm just glad there are plenty of reasons to be happy despite this.

I leave the matter to time.

Sincerely,
Knight.

She sees shadows in pitch black darkness

Her clock, it doesn't tick. Her mind no longer remembers. Her heart no longer yearns. She just no longer feels that euphoria of emotion.

She wants to undo these. How could this be done if replacing is impossible, unlearning the jadedness is unpractical, and reversals are not allowed. Improvements are only for houses and its contents which are worth repairing.

Is it sane to accept defeat against ninjas of obstacles or does she continue fighting back even though this feels like her last breath.

Not that kind of relationship

T'was 2 years ago when I played may way through it. It was a couple of years ago when we accepted each other to our individual lives. I was an obvious imperfection while the other was ideal. I was so happy! I've never been that happy and that contented. Life was perfect and ideal for me from that moment though others would carefully enumerate the imperfections happening around. I took everything seriously and my emotion ruled me.

I gave what I knew was my all and everything felt fine and even finer a lot of times. During that little span of time, we grew together. We changed and coped up with each other. We knew each other well enough that days went by so fast.

Until one day it was no longer as happy. The happenings were so swift that one morning, I opened my eyes not feeling the same attention it used to give me. I was thinking it was normal so I neglected the negativity. I was suffering inside for months but I was functioning so well. I was even told the best a couple of times and this assured me I that I'm doing no less than the right thing. Little did I know that I've been holding on to assumptions. They were all but assumed assurances.

I needed time to breathe so I did. I escaped that horrific reality by creating a different world with a different me. It only broke my heart. I'm glad though that it didn't break me. I am, afterall, unbreakable.

Now I am still holding on. What if this is but an obstacle and waiting a little more would mean the finish line? What if goodness is what's in store for me all these time?

They say the signal that you have to leave a relationship is if both of you are no longer progressing/growing.

Only time would tell if I am ready to comit to continue or to comit somewhere else.

Yes I am in a relationship with work and it is complicated.

Maybe hopefully.

Something fell while you were walking over there.

My jaw.





Oh no my friends. I wish I could say for the first time in forever, I'm feeling anxious for I might eventually like someone. But I can't. I have felt the same agitation many times before and it used to be easier. Forgetting was as fast as a blink of an eye before and I wonder why it is no more.

Him and I may not tantamount to we in the future based on the response I have received from him. Do I move on and think negatively or do I remain optimistic and hoping? The latter is more piercing but perhaps so what? It won't take long to recover right? I've turned to forgetting always previously so it's time to change now.

I am to hold on to this dream and stay hopeful thay maybe like what Frozen reiterated, "for the first time in forever" maybe we can be better friends for at least.

Thank you for reading.

Lessons from a moment of rain

It was a sunny day and I decided to go out. I was garbed so well and prepared a lot. I had scenes in my mind of what I dream that day would bring. I dipped my foot under Mr. Sunshine's warmth and light. The rays kissed my skin and the temperature hugged my soul. Everything seemed lovely. Things was getting no less than better. It was the perfect day out. Then it drizzled. The bright blue sky turned gray. The cheerful sun hid somewhere not even my hopes can find. It hid at the same time my heart almost halted from breathing. It was a moment of truth. Well, I thought it was. It rained even more. It poured so heavily. The next thing I knew was the heaven and my heart cried at the same time. We wept over the beautiful that the day could've become. All I could understand that time was my failure. It hovered within my mind and I thought it was endless. Until that hour came. I was too tired to think, see, and feel. I engrossed myself onto the seemingly neverending pain. My friends would try to shelter me but I wanted to face the rain. I wanted to experience it. I wanted to conquer it. Where did this take me? It took me underneath the dark clouds of negligence which later on almost took the life out of me. I knew it was wrong to be negative so I enjoyed the rain. I allowed it to cleanse my dreams and washout the unimportant priorities. I learned that I wore a lot of unneccessary worries and it pulls me down. Thank God for the rain that somehow washed them away. Thank God for the gray sky because it triggered me to seek a brighter light. Thank God for the experience. I am now stronger and more enduring.

This rain was a tornado named work. It's either I let this tornado destroy me or I survive and make a living out of it.

I thought the struggle was the moment of truth. That life is not ideal and this is not to be valued. Then the real truth shone in the form of a rainbow. This is an even better picture of a perfect day out and this beautiful thing is what God wanted me to see. To those who are losing hope out there, trust what you can do and His plans for you. 

Happy Friday!

HAPPY 2014!

Hahaha! I acknowledged the changing of years almost at the end of January! How cool is that? Well I''m glad his (I don't know who) intelligence emphasized that it is better to be late than never. Hehe!

I gave my blog a new look and am to update it better now. I'm glad something struck me and suddenly I remember my password from 3 years ago.

Though I don't constantly update my blogs, I am very much updated of the blogs of those people I follow. Perhaps this shows how better of a listener I am in real life. I'm just so glad to have read these blogs and their writings are inspiring, entertaining,and really amusing! Keep it up guys and I hope to talk/chat with you. Hehe!

I am blogging because I have unlearned my fear somehow. I used to be fearful of criticisms and it led me to being tight-lipped which is sometimes disguising and coming of as narrow. I have many times failed to elaborate myself that I am frequently misunderstood. I am glad someone acknowledged my being less outspoken. If there are things we need to learn and unlearn, it isn't too late to rectify those! Let's start right way! What have you learned and unlearned recently? Feel free to comment below.

Cheers to positive change guys!

Love, Jam.

Random Post

Bismillah.

Good day everyone!

I’ve heard many times that life is unfair. Affluent people enjoy life’s goodness and treasures while paupers suffer every hour of their days. I say, you must read the next paragraph.

Once, a girl was walking her way home under the very warm sun. While taking her steps slowly and carefully she thought of how abasing the situations in her life have been. Her family’s income has lowered into half. Now she is unable to enjoy quality education, ideal meals, educational travels, more decent clothes, excessive allowance, outdoor bonding with the family, and other things ample money can buy. Her life has tremendously changed. The heart within her is longing for an answer as to why she needs to undergo such deplorable change when a familiar junk-collecting man passed by her. She saw this man heartily smiling well because he has filled his sack with glass bottles he collected from many doors. She remembers eating chicken with vegetables and fruits when this man barely ingests any. She is reminded of those times her father has made her a cup of milk while her mother prepares for her sandwiches. This man, walking towards her, is the same man who knocks every single day to her and her neighbor’s door asking for used glass bottles to acquire income.  This is the same man who is forced to finance the vices of his father and mother after getting reprimanded for refusing. This struck the girl well. She must be a madwoman for thinking that life has been unfair to her. She then realized that the state she is in actually rendered her strength and appreciation of the little things she used to disregard. The beauty of life is not measured by the things we have but can be appreciated through the things we lost or do not have. Life is most beautiful in its simplest just like how a lady and lad can be lovable without make-up.

Readers, we might have been blessed with quite a lot but just to keep our Muslim feet on the ground, there’s so much more on Earth than what we possess meaning we do not own 99.999999999999999% of Earth more so the universe. And that the rich is blessed so they may help the poor while the poor exists so the rich may maintain their genuine kindness, humility, and good heartedness. Of course there are more reasons as to why the wealthy and the not so moneyed exist. The bottom line is that the humanity is created to praise The One True God and to have faith on God because through Him and His name do hearts find peace despite the trials of the life and the grave. Wa la hawla wa la quwatta illabillah.